Beaten…..

Weighed in last saturday and lost 1lb, was very dis-heartened, if I am honest. This led to a week of bingeing and self sabotage, resulting in a 3lb weight gain, yesterday at weigh in. I cannot even begin to tell you what I have eaten, as the thought of it DISGUSTS me! I have had an incredibly stressful week at work and rather than be compassionate to my anxieties, I, of course, fed them, making myself feel even worse. Exercise went out of the window too.

Well, today is a new day and a start of a new week. I intend to get of this hamster wheel and start being kind to myself…..I want this! I want to be healthy, slimmer, fitter, happier and be able to actually like what I see. I am not naive in thinking, if I am slimmer all will be well, yet I feel my confidence and self esteem will improve… surely?!

I have started the online course ‘Beyond Chocolate’, lesson 1 complete. The course is based on ‘not dieting and building a healthy relationship with food’. So far, I have basically learnt what I already know, however, it has got me thinking more…. Not that I need to think anymore about food eh!… yet, in a different way. I am going to plod on and if I get one thing out of it, then that is a positive.

JawBone….. Note to self… CHARGE IT UP!

“It is not revolutions and upheavals that clear the road to better days,
but revelations, and lavishness of someone’s soul inspired, and ablaze“—Boris Pasternak

Steps are getting steeper…

Yesterday was a tough day at work, yet, I did not binge. Believe me, it crossed my mind several times. It took all my will-power to not give in, and I feel pleased that I didn’t. The thing is, I do not want to have to keep fighting these thoughts, as it’s very draining and thought consuming.

I forced myself to the pool and swam 42 lengths, this helped tremendously with my stress relief and again I was pleased with myself. It is easy for me to write, ‘I feel pleased with myself’ yet, I don’t feel it. Am I just over thinking all the time? (Sometimes I wonder how my brain works!).

Today has been a good day with food and I have felt less stressed and calm, a good cry always seems to work wonders in my world, and I am not embarrassed to admit it. Lunch, already prepared for tomorrow, and I plan to go swimming too.

I still have not charged my jawbone, note to self… get it done woman!

“As you begin changing your thinking, start immediately to change your behaviour. Begin to act the part of the person you would like to become. Take action on your behaviour. Too many people want to feel, then take action. This never works“. – John Maxwell

Get out of my head!

I wake up, thinking of food; I work all day, thinking of food; I go to bed thinking of food! Driving me nuts 😦 Whenever I am trying to be good, eating healthily, it never leaves my mind. Does not matter how much I try, it is there. Next, I will be dreaming of the blooming’ stuff aarrggghhh. That aside, I have had a positive day of eating. I do need to up my intake of fruit and vegetables as I have been lax of late.

Planned to go swimming this evening, did not go, couldn’t be bothered. Not the attitude I should have, I know. I will go tomorrow evening instead. I need to charge up my Jawbone and start tracking my daily steps again, I plan to up my steps on the days I do not swim. In fact, I should get my backside on the treadmill at the gym.

Weighed myself again today, and they are stating I have gained 2lb, I know that I can fluctuate within the day, and that I should not take notice, and should just weigh once a week. Therefore, I am ignoring the number, for today anyway.

I am addicted to colouring in, I find this very therapeutic. However, I cannot stop!! I come home do what I need to do and then, out come the pens and book….. I could be colouring for hours. Note to self, only one picture per day. 🙂

“When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don’t give up though the pace seems slow–

You may succeed with another blow,

Success is failure turned inside out–

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–

It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit”.

~ Edgar A. Guest

I’m Back

Weigh in, saturday, and I lost 3lb, total weight loss now 26lbs, So why was I disheartened?  I am not naive in thinking it will come off overnight, yet I left WW feeling tearful! Note to self; get a grip!

I gave into alcohol yesterday, a bottle of wine, I had not had a drink for  a week (no, I don’t have a problem, really haha) I plan to refrain from alcohol in the week and treat myself on a Saturday evening (unless, of course, it is a special occasion). I love vodka, beer and wine, however, wine equates to 21 WW pro points, per bottle and to be honest it is usually a bottle; beer, 6 pro pints per bottle and vodka, 1 WW pro point per measure. No brainer, wine and beer are being kicked to the kerb, vodka all the way 🙂 In moderation, of course.

Swimming, I am planning to go a least three times this week, I am actually enjoying the freedom of the water. I have asked the question, is it better to increase distance or swim faster, as I thought, distance is the key. As I feel confident in swimming 40 lengths, I aim to increase this weekly, rather than each session. As the gym goes, I haven’t stepped into it yet! All in good time, she says!

I have mentioned ‘Compassionate mind’ in previous blogs and I am trying to continue with this daily, not always easy. The ‘Happiness project’ book, haven’t read for over a week, this book worm needs to get back to worming. The online course, need to start. I will achieve one of these this week, which is a step in the right direction.

On Facebook, there is a small group of us WW peeps that have set a goal for January, of a three stone weight loss, starting this week. Therefore, I can only count the 3lb loss (so far)…. 39lb to go, then I am sure we will set another challenge for ourselves.

“If you really want to eat, keep climbing. The fruits are on the top of the tree. Stretch your hands and keep stretching them. Success is on the top, keep going.” ― Israelmore Ayivor

Still going strong

Had another positive day with my food intake, to be honest, have not eaten very much the past two days, yet what I have eaten has been healthy.Yesterday, I was under my WW points my 14, and today, 14 again (basically I have not planned lunches for work, resulting in not having any today). I went to M&S after work, I was very hungry due to only having breakfast, dangerous time for me. However, I refrained from buying any rubbish, this is a real shift from my normal behaviour, so I am feeling pleased with myself. Plus, I managed to pick up some healthy salads for lunch, at a cost of 25p…. what a bargain! 🙂

Exercise – day off. Swimming is on the agenda for tomorrow evening.

Scales – well this is where I am feeling a little dis-heartened. I have weighed myself daily, since my WW weigh in on saturday, and I have not moved an ounce. I know I need to not do this, yet, that is easier said than done. On a positive note, I haven’t allowed myself to binge and this is a massive achievement for me. I keep telling myself I just need to continue on the right path.

I have not read, ‘The Happiness Project’, for a few days now, need to et back to it! Also, I now have my log in for the online course ‘Beyond Chocolate’, I will take a look tomorrow.

“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about”. — Sir Winston Churchill

Tuesday

Feeling motivated… Had a good day with food, in fact I was given a cake, as a gift, and I gave it to colleagues to have (it did look delicious!).

Exercise, I went swimming this evening…. 46 lengths, I am very pleased with myself.

History tells me that, I have really positive spells, and then I tend to go on a huge binge. This is something I do not want to do, therefore, I am going to allow myself the odd treat if I want it. I have been tracking my daily intake of food and counting WW pro points, the treats will be within the daily allowance.

Scales, the damn scales… yes, I am still weighing daily, on a positive note I have cut this down to once a day. A friend suggested I got rid of them!!!! That is something I am not willing to do at this point (I am very attached to them).

Monday

Food wise, I have had a good day, hoping I can continue to keep this up. Planned to go swimming this evening, didn’t feel up to it, so went for a walk instead, I am pleased I did, de-stressed me. I have set myself a goal for christmas, how much weight I want to lose by then. I will keep you posted on my progress!

My mind is driving me mad, more than usual. I am constantly thinking about food, dusk till dawn, In fact, driving me mental arrgggghhhhhh (wish I had a switch). Other than that I am feeling better today, a good cry last night seemed to do the trick.

Plan to go swimming tomorrow evening and eat healthy foods. Fingers crossed 🙂

“In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins- not through strength but by perseverance.” ~ H. Jackson Brown

Rollercoaster

Weigh day yesterday and I lost 2lb, was chuffed, as I did not expect to loose after the week I had of consuming rubbish 😦

I woke this morning feeling like a bag of liquorice all-sorts; Emotional, cross, angry – reason? Not sure. Now this is usually a dangerous time for me, as I would tend to go on a food binge, as a way of comforting my feelings. However, I didn’t, I chose to go swimming instead! I swam 44 lengths, most so far, and I lost myself in the water. I actually imagined that I was swimming in the ocean further and further away from the beach, heading to nowhere. Felt a sense of achievement and happy that I made the right choice. Also, I joined the leisure centre, I have been planning this for a long time now. Even if I just continue swimming twice a week, as I have been, it works out cheaper being a member (just need to keep focused and keep going).

Food wise, I have been good. What’s good? Good is, I have eaten healthily, not consumed any rubbish foods, drank plenty of water and tracked. 🙂

“The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down.” ― Stephen Richards

I am back!

It’s been six days, since I last blogged. I have no great excuse for not posting daily, just did not feel like it.

So, how’s my week been? Not brilliant, if I am honest. I have not stuck to any sort of healthy eating regime. Of course, I have had all good intentions, planned healthy meals, and actually made some of them! Portion control, what’s that? Overeating to the point of no return. That feeling, again, of being full to the brim, feeling uncomfortable, clothes too tight, feeling sleepy……. Not exactly great feelings…. So why do I continue to do it? The answer is simple, I have lost ALL control of what I am piling into my mouth! I am eating unconsciously, I don’t even taste and enjoy what I am shovelling in. Using food as my ‘Comfort’ is something I am beginning to realise is never a comfort, I have always really known this. Yet, what is my substitute? When I feel the need to binge, going for a walk or taking a bath, doesn’t cut the mustard. Is it as simple as,  learning to ‘love’ and ‘appreciate’ food?

Me: As a child I was very slim, in fact I was a ‘Dancer’, I have 60 medals to prove this! (something I am actually proud of). I controlled my weight through, starvation and bingeing and was diagnosed with Bulimia at 17. I had given up dancing by then, as I believed I was too fat. This behaviour carried on until I was 24years old, even though I was a size 10 and was convinced I was still overweight. This lead onto years of yo-yo dieting and then leading onto being diagnosed with a binge eating disorder when I was 30…… the battle continues. Binge eating is comforting for a brief moment, but then reality sets back in, along with regret and self-loathing. It becomes a vicious cycle: eating to feel better, feeling even worse, and then turning back to food for relief.

Now, you have heard it, already, a thousand times; I am going to; I endeavour too etc. However, I need to start taking responsibility for my actions (again I am using the word need, why do I need? Should it be, I am? I will? I am happy to? I want to?) Is it, that, I feel I have to  conform with what society says I should be or look like? So many questions. People generally tell you, ‘If you really want it, you will do it’, unfortunately I do not believe that to be true, as if it was that easy there would not be anyone struggling to lose weight, give up alcohol, drugs etc.

What I do know is…. I want to be healthy, feel good about myself, be proud of my achievements and to love me for me…….

Weigh Day!

Well, as predicted, after the week I have had, the scales have not been on my side. I am not about to breakdown in floods of self pity, as it was expected. Overall, the last three weeks I have put on 7Lb. I am going to draw a line under it and move on (the compassionate mind stepping in!).

As I aforementioned, I have signed up for an online course, which I am going to start tomorrow, well that is the plan. Not, quite sure what I am letting myself in for.

Todays eating has been pretty good, compared to the last week, Breakfast – Peanut butter (whole earth) and banana on toast; Lunch – Sandwich and crisps (oops); Dinner – Chicken and rice…..Too many carbs today that’s for sure…. Also, I am currently enjoying a glass of Mr Creek (could result in the whole bottle being consumed eeekkkk).

Exercise …. what’s that?

Joking aside…. I am getting back on plan monday. Why not tomorrow? Ok, I will start tomorrow. On a serious note, I WILL get back on track as this compassionate mind of mine will self destruct!

“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough”. Og Mandino