Weigh day yesterday and I lost 2lb, was chuffed, as I did not expect to loose after the week I had of consuming rubbish ūüė¶

I woke this morning feeling like a bag of liquorice all-sorts; Emotional, cross, angry – reason? Not sure. Now this is usually a dangerous time for me, as I would tend to go on a food binge, as a way of comforting my feelings. However, I didn’t, I chose to go swimming instead! I swam 44 lengths, most so far, and I lost myself in the water. I actually imagined that I was swimming in the ocean further and further away from the beach, heading to nowhere. Felt a sense of achievement and happy that I made the right choice. Also, I joined the leisure centre, I have been planning this for a long time now. Even if I just continue swimming twice a week, as I have been, it works out cheaper being a member (just need to keep focused and keep going).

Food wise, I have been good. What’s good? Good is, I have eaten healthily, not consumed any rubbish foods, drank plenty of water and tracked. ūüôā

The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down.‚ÄĚ ‚Äē Stephen Richards

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I am back!

It’s been¬†six days, since I last blogged. I have no great excuse for not posting daily, just did not feel like it.

So, how’s my week been? Not brilliant, if I am honest. I have not stuck to any sort of healthy eating regime. Of course, I have had all good intentions, planned healthy meals, and actually made some of them! Portion control, what’s that? Overeating to the point of no return. That feeling, again, of being full to the brim, feeling uncomfortable, clothes too tight, feeling sleepy……. Not exactly great feelings…. So why do I continue to do it? The answer is simple, I have lost ALL control of what I am piling into my mouth! I am eating unconsciously, I don’t even taste and enjoy what I am shovelling in. Using food as my ‘Comfort’ is something I am beginning to realise is never a comfort, I have always really known this. Yet, what is my substitute? When I feel the need to binge, going for a walk or taking a bath, doesn’t cut the mustard. Is it as simple as, ¬†learning to ‘love’ and ‘appreciate’ food?

Me: As a child I was very slim, in fact I was a ‘Dancer’, I have 60 medals to prove this! (something I am actually proud of). I controlled my weight through, starvation and bingeing and was diagnosed with Bulimia at 17. I had given up dancing by then, as I believed I was too fat. This behaviour carried on until I was 24years old, even though I was a size 10 and was convinced I was still overweight. This lead onto years of yo-yo dieting and then leading onto being diagnosed with a binge eating disorder when I was 30…… the battle continues.¬†Binge eating is comforting for a brief moment, but then reality sets back in, along with regret and self-loathing. It becomes a vicious cycle: eating to feel better, feeling even worse, and then turning back to food for relief.

Now, you have heard it, already, a thousand times; I am going to; I endeavour too etc. However, I need to start taking responsibility for my actions (again I am using the word need, why do I need? Should it be, I am? I will? I am happy to? I want to?) Is it, that, I feel I have to ¬†conform with what society says I should be or look like? So many questions. People generally tell you, ‘If you really want it, you will do it’, unfortunately I do not believe that to be true, as if it was that easy there would not be anyone struggling to lose weight, give up alcohol, drugs etc.

What I do know is…. I want to be healthy, feel good about myself, be proud of my achievements and to love me for me…….

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Weigh Day!

Well, as predicted, after the week I have had, the scales have not been on my side. I am not about to breakdown in floods of self pity, as it was expected. Overall, the last three weeks I have put on 7Lb. I am going to draw a line under it and move on (the compassionate mind stepping in!).

As I aforementioned, I have signed up for an online course, which I am going to start tomorrow, well that is the plan. Not, quite sure what I am letting myself in for.

Todays eating has been pretty good, compared to the last week, Breakfast – Peanut butter (whole earth) and banana on toast; Lunch – Sandwich and crisps (oops); Dinner – Chicken and rice…..Too many carbs today that’s for sure…. Also, I am currently enjoying a glass of Mr Creek (could result in the whole bottle being consumed eeekkkk).

Exercise …. what’s that?

Joking aside…. I am getting back on plan monday. Why not tomorrow? Ok, I will start tomorrow. On a serious note, I WILL get back on track as this compassionate mind of mine will self destruct!

Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough”.¬†Og Mandino

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Day… Think I will knock, ‘Day’ on the head going forward!

Another day of being compassionate with my thinking, this is something I intend to keep doing on a daily basis. I made some good choices today, not brilliant, yet better. Even though I have had a nice week off work, I have missed the routine of work (I actually love working, sad eh!) ……. I intend to have a strict eating regime when I return monday. ¬†

I have not had a binge this week, yet, I have not had my normal stresses or pressures, therefore, it is difficult to measure this as a success. Overeating, well yes, I have done this on most days. I would not generally go out and eat several meals in one week. In fact, it is very rare I go out to restaurants, due to the fact, I¬†don’t¬†actually appreciate/like/enjoy food and wish I could live without putting another¬†morsel¬†into my body.

I have signed up to a 12 week course, The psychology of weight loss, ¬†I have also read numerous books on Binge Eating Disorders and have found them very useful, at the time. I am sure that, as many of us that are overweight, the course will not tell me something ¬†I don’t already know. However, I am hoping that I will at least learn something and as I am feeling determined, I will put what I learn ¬†into practice. I will keep you posted when I receive more information (at present I will try anything!). I am getting to the stage in my life that I need to sort this out once and for all, I have wasted, and still am, many years of my life, stressed and anxious about my body image, to the extent I make excuses not to go out. I am very lucky I have understanding friends, as I believe I would not have any, with the amount of times I have let them down. Don’t get me wrong, I feel terrible when I do, yet the anxiety takes over and always wins. I cannot ( should I be saying… will not) continue my life like this, lifes¬†too short!

I haven’t managed to read any more of the ‘Happiness Project’ today, I endeavour to tomorrow. At this point, I would not say I am unhappy in all aspects of my life, in some areas I am and in others I am sure I could be happier. Maybe the more I read I will then decide to start one myself, who knows at this stage.

Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticises you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive”.¬†Leah LaBelle

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Very late last night I picked up my laptop to blog, and I had forgotten to charge it, Dope! I was too tired to think about plugging in the lead, so here I am this morning, mid-morning blogging.

Once again I awoke with a compassionate mind, however, being realistic here, I feel that when I weigh in on saturday morning the self sabotaging will return with a vengeance. Anyway, too yesterday, Banana for breakfast, good start. Out and about all day, meant I gave into temptation….. A Starbucks, Lemon Vanilla Frappuccino, obviously, topped with cream, I dread to think of the calorific intake!…. Now, I am intrigued, going to check it out…459 calories…. Oh my goodness, was it worth it? If, that had been the only over-indulgence of the day, maybe it was. However, hit the beach, resulted in fish and chips, well I am on holiday (she says, making another excuse) average calories 861! It does not stop there! Snacks … probably equate to 500 calories, a beer, 145 calories and a sandwich… give up! I can’t wait to get back to work!!!

I did walk, when I say walking I am talking about generally, step count….. 2,600 ( I am sure most people manage that first thing in a morning, never mind a whole days worth). I did go swimming, 36 lengths, smiling!

It may seem that I am not taking this whole eating healthily and exercising seriously, especially this week, believe me, I AM…. Sometimes, being jovial, takes the pressure off me somewhat. Back to work monday I will be focussed, motivated and hopeful.

On another note, my friend bought me a book, many moons ago, that I happened to pick up yesterday to read, ‘The Happiness Project’ Gretchen Rubin.¬†Rubin weaves together philosophy, scientific research, history, analysis, and real-life experiences as she explains what worked for her‚ÄĒand what didn‚Äôt. It is easy on the eyes and brain, what more could you ask for, however,¬†¬†I am keeping an open mind.

Sometimes, being true to yourself means changing your mind. Self changes, and you follow.‚ÄĚ ¬†Vera Nazarian,

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Compassionate mind all day!

Not being at work has really thrown my routine, going out and not taking a packed lunch has not helped. Breakfast consisted of a banana and yogurt, Lunch…… KFC snack box! And dinner, jacket potato with tuna, cheese and beans. I have the mindset that this week is not going to be one of my best, and I am actually ok with this (at the moment). As for the scales, I have only been on them once today, evening (not the best time, I know). Not liking what they have to say, yet, I cannot complain when I am hardly eating healthy foods.

I have walked more today than usual, steps 4,500, still a long way to go to reach the 10,000 daily recommendation. I plan, when I go back to work next week, to set daily steps and ensure I complete them (even if it means walking in the evening, feeling pained at the thought!)

“Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal – a commitment to excellence – that will enable you to attain the success you seek”.¬†Mario Andretti

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A day……

I woke up this morning and true to my word, started the day with a compassionate mind.

I had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast, no work today, so I decided to give the protein shake a miss. Went to the pictures, usually I would partake in popcorn and chocolate, however, drank a bottle of fizzy water instead! (BTW the movie was rubbish!).

Lunch….this is where it went wrong, Pizza Hut!!!!! I had a bowl of salad, good so far, with lashings of thousand island dressing, not so good… followed by 5, yes, 5! Slices of pizza from the buffet, washed down with a pint of Budweiser (not the best choice of restaurants, eh!) This is when I would generally start giving myself a hard time. Still, I made the choice to eat the food, a small setback…….

I did manage to drag myself swimming this evening, swam 32 lengths. I wanted to swim 40, as this is my goal, nonetheless, 32 is an achievement (in my world).

I have just eaten a bowl of cereal (dinner/after swimming snack)

Feeling determined to have a more successful day tomorrow…..

‘Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts’.¬†Winston Churchill

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